deepjuju: (Default)
[personal profile] deepjuju
So I'm trying to do this academic thing. I'm not too sure about it. At this point, though, I've invested so much that I don't really want to turn back.

I like the work.
I think I like the work?
There's really a lot of it.
And I think I like some of it.
But I'm also really confused.

I dragged my whole family to the gods-forsaken Midwest where there's snow and dark and difficulty making friends and finding jobs. This year seems to be going better, but I think we all feel pretty raw from last year. Problems from last year are not yet resolved. Mainly, we haven't had a full month of paychecks (it's no one's job here to make sure that full-time teachers with contracts get paid on time, so apparently, sometimes, you just get an email two weeks before payday saying that you're not getting paid).

FirstBorn is liking high school so far, but has gone full-tilt misanthrope and is uninterested in participating in anything not required.

Pippin seems to like 8th grade until the subject of homework comes up, and then he has nothing good to say about any of it anymore.

BetterHalf is in a holding pattern.

I'm taking three classes, observing one, working with undergrads in their teaching placements while they work to get certified, and doing administrative work for a digital press. I'm applying to conferences and trying to figure out how to ask a researchable question. I'm a little stuck there.

If I go with the experience that I bring to the program, I should be doing something with secondary schools and teacher education. I still care about those things, and I certainly care about student experiences in school, but I am so burned out. And I'm starting to question whether I was really doing any good for my students. I hold a lot of beliefs about schooling that are not tenable in the current system.

If I go with my fledgling interests, I'll have to learn a whole lot of new things. I don't even know what they all are yet. I've been blogging -off and on- for ten years and lurking in fandom just as long. I'm interested in why people spend their time creating for fan communities, for each other. I'm interested in how and why people educate themselves to participate. I'm interested in the way the durable stories are the ones that allow themselves to be transformed.

I think maybe it's not so easy to allow yourself to be transformed.

So how the hell do I make a dissertation and then a career out of this?
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deepjuju

October 2013

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